I have inattentive ADHD and that manifests as a general lack of concentration, motivation and poor impulse control to the point where I've endangered my life many times due to drinking, drugs and doing stupid things.
I've always considered myself a decent person but I realised that a lot of it is a mask. I keep thinking about whether I have autism or ASPD but I can't tell whether I have empathy or not. I can't describe my emotions much at all or explain how I feel at any point in time. All the emotion I know is pleasure, satisfaction, rage and fear. I have a complete lack or flexibility of morals. Nothing seems bad to me. Logically I can see that something is bad because of the effect it has, but when I think about it more in depth I realise I actually don't care and given the opportunity I would probably do something immoral. This extends to stuff like politics… over the years I've been extremely flexible in beliefs of all kind, almost like at the same time I can believe things in opposition to each other. I used to be a proper /pol/ racist and now I'm pretty liberal although I still believe a lot of the things I used to.
In social situations I realised that I am always scheming and sizing people up. When I enter a room I analyse who I need to impress and will put on a completely different persona based on where I am or who I'm with. I always get a sense of derision towards people I judge as weaker than me or unassertive and that can make me hate someone from just looking at them, as if they are pathetic for not helping themselves out more. Before any situation I think of the exact situations that can happen and how I can react to them to befriend them. Not exactly terrible psychopathic goals but I realised I'm completely ungenuine and I have no idea who 'I' am. I have no long term goals or ambitions but somehow I've stumbled to a good position in life and I feel completely deficient in a lot of areas that make up normal human beings, I feel like I constantly have a mask on that is a complete 180 turn from who 'I' actually am typing to you. People call me the most genuine and loyal person they know and tell me how much of a good person I am, when in reality I'm an extremely depraved individual in ways I wouldn't even want to go into detail. From the anonymity of the internet I've done horrible things to people, which I don't feel bad or worried about but I still recognise. Like any time my mask will crumble and the real me will be revealed. I mean, I can see how I would be considered genuine and loyal because I see people lying and I think how stupid they are, it's a lot easier telling the truth and omitting bits I don't like (ok i guess that counts as lying).
Don't expect anyone to read this wall of text but I just wanted to vent. This is the first time I've said any of this outside of my own head. I'm not sure if all this is related to emotional deficiencies from ADHD, and I don't know, is this what normal people feel like? Is everyone hiding behind a mask? I genuinely have no idea. The problem is I don't know what to say or who to go to for help. I can't speak to anyone I know about how I'm actually sadistic, and I can't even google it because I have no idea what's wrong. Identity issues? Autism?
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