Outside opinions and advice.6 months, 9 days ago
I(37F) moved out with kids last April. I've been trying to give my ex time to adjust and haven't been pushing for divorce or child support. Currently my MIL is supporting us as she also wants to help her son. We were together over 16yrs and he is 8yrs my senior.
I want to be as honest as I can for I want honest advice and opinions. We broke up last February. He discovered I was talking to another man and when I was confronted and asked to stop I said I wouldn't. I'm not making excuses. What I did was wrong. Was in a bad place and made a bad descion which is why I am trying to be as patient as I can. For guilt of that. I honestly hate that I didn't have the courage to just leave. I tried in my own way and that was one of the many problems of our relationship. I had an extremely difficult time talking to him about anything.
To sum up our life together. Got together when I was young. I spoiled and did everything for him. I internalized every and all problems. We never fought cause I have a fear of confrontation and I just assumed I was wrong. Few times we debated about something I learned I could never when. Best chance I had of him realizing I was right was to let it go and he would come to that conclusion later. He had some some emotional things he carried over from childhood. Emotionally closed off and sensitive and he would have these knee jerk reactions which were made worse by my overly sensitive mind. I pushed alot of things out of my mind that should have been discussed. I never really had to have my way though. I was flexible and eager to please so I was ok with everything he wanted. Had kids. Was made clear he didn't want them unless I took full responsibility which I did. Was ok for a few years until first child was diagnosed with autism. Was overwhelmed and that was about the point he started doing less and less outings with us. Over the years we have done quite a few threesomes which also ruined alot. Won't go into details but I wanted out for awhile, he didn't realize it. Thing that really brought it all to ahead and this is where we disagree about is I always felt judged on my looks by him. I gained weight after my second child, not alot cause even at my heaviest I might be average weight and still looked great for my age. Anyways I worked hard on it, was weighing my food, exercising almost everyday and got into awesome shape. Then it came to a point where I had enough. Eventually I told him I didn't know if I still loved him. We did do therapy together. He was trying. I knew he loved me. It got bad for the both of us. I don't want to go into it all but I was getting nowhere with talking, he seemed desperate and was pushing things I didn't want. Anyways, I had the emotional affair which I also used as a final way to get out cause I was too weak to do it any other way. Alot of it because I don't hate my ex. Yes. There is alot of resentment that I push away but I dont hate him and I know I made it worse this way but it happened.
So I have spent months trying to find a job. Finally got something and doesn't pay much. Might go back to school. MIL is supporting me and the kids as I left the house to him and I haven't approached the subject of divorce though it is definitely what I want but I've been trying to give him time to heal. I have been having self-esteem issues cause I can't support my kids and I'm having to go to my mil each month for money. It's stressful, I broke down the other day because it was close with Christmas and everything that I might have had to ask for a little more. Since I've left have been using separate credit card. Only thing I charge on his credit card is medical for the kids. He doesn't work. He has enough to be ok without working. I know once we get divorced he'll probably have to go to work so another reason I'm giving him time. He keeps himself busy which he does because he is depressed though unfortunately he doesn't spend some of that time with the kids. Works out to maybe once a week for a few hours. Maybe every month and a half he'll take them for a few days. I'm not blaming him for this. I know he isn't a kid person and he's going through stuff. Question is do I owe him all the time he needs to heal or is it ok to really approach him and get things going?
Other question. I did break it off with the guy I was talking to but a month after moving out I started going out with him and things are going very well. It's been over half a year and I want to introduce him to the kids but I made a promise during the break up that my ex can meet any guy introduced to the kids. I am very uncomfortable with this. Other than the last time the subject was broached with the ex it always ended with a snide comment or wanting an apology or something. I honestly can't see the good of them getting together. I can't see them having a buddy buddy conversation. I just see confrontation. Not only that but my fella is uncomfortable with it since my ex has said some comments to him about my autistic son he didn't appreciate and he has dated women with kids and never needed to meet with the exs before. Anyways wanted to know the opinion of whether or not there is a good reason to have the two meet.
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